LOTR Potter
by Yalime Alokin
Summary: A movie we wrote involvng mostly LOTR with some HP characters thrown in. Claps for Inafets for writing many of these scenes. Original version. Revised coming soon.
1. Scene 1

Scene 1

_Movie starts with soft quiet music playing. We see pictures of flowers, birds, the sky, etc... past before the camera. Skips to shots of the Shire_

**NARRATOR:** (_V.O. quietly_) Once, long ago, there was a quiet place in the remotest corner of Middle-Earth, called the Shire. It was a peaceful place inhabited with peaceful, curious creatures called Hobbits. Our story is about one such Hobbit, by the name of Bilbo Baggins. One fine day, Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of...

**BILBO:** (_Music crashes abruptly_) Fool!! I'm only fifty!!

**FRODO:** Sorry sir, carry on... Bilbo must have been playing with that nuclear warhead...again.

**BILBO:** And stop calling me Bilbo, odd hairy person I don't know! Everyone knows I'm Martha Stewart!! (_Walks off absentmindedly, as if he's drunk.)_ V.O: CHEESE!

**NARRATOR:** Erm... okkkkaaaaay... anyways... when Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag...

**BILBO (_V.O_):** MARTHA STEWART!!

**NARRATOR:** Um, never mind.


	2. Scene 2

Scene 2

_Play "Pippin the System"_

_The credits start rolling. Every single name is PIPPIN._

**FRODO: **What did you do??

**SAM: ** It wasn't me, I swear, Mr. Frodo! Pippin must have gotten into the system!

**FRODO: **Well don't just stand there, go do something about it.

_We hear running, a heavy thump, and a groan._

**SAM: **_(weakly) _ I think I found the plug, Mr. Frodo. Ow.


	3. Scene 3

Scene 3

_We see Harry Potter in Dumbledore's office, ranting about his problems. Dumbledore stares over steepled fingers bemusedly._

**HARRY:** ...Professor Dumbledore... I don't know what to do... My scar's hurting and I'm bored and I'm hungry and I'm tired and Snape broke my dolly and I...

**FRODO:** _(camera pans over)_ Could you keep it down over there? I'm having some sponge cake!

**DUMBLEDORE:** We'll do our best.

**FRODO:** THANK YOU!!  
**DUMBLEDORE:** Sorry about that Harry, those horrible producers couldn't raise enough money to fund more than about three sets... for an entire movie!! Anyways... you were saying?

**HARRY:** Oh yes. I think I like Ginny but if I make a move, Ron'll kill me... WHAT SHOULD I DO??

**DUMBLEDORE:** Hmmmm... you see Harry; I've got a long and complicated answer that really doesn't help and make the readers bored. But, since you asked...

_DUMBLEDORE walks over to a table, with a Q-Tip on it. _

**HARRY:** What's that? It looks like a Q-Tip.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Things are not always what they seem. _(Touches toothbrush, mumbling magical words under his breath)_

_HARRY stares intently at the toothbrush. DUMBLEDORE seemingly explodes in a flash of light. _

**HARRY:** AHHHH!! Oh well. I'm never brushing my teeth again. (_Starts poking around the office, and finds a box of chocolates. He pops six or seven in his mouth and starts choking._)


	4. Scene 4

Scene 4

_Frodo is channel surfing, staring intently at the TV. Dumbledore appears with a "magical" pop. Frodo looks up._

**FRODO:** Golly, Gandalf! You took a bath! And dried your hair! IT'S A MIRACLE!! But, what happened to your staff? It's so short! It's like THEEESSS beeg. (_Holds fingers about three inches apart, goes cross-eyed and keels over._)

**DUMBLEDORE:** (_looks around with mild interest_) Hmm... What a curious place I'm in. And what a strange little person! I have the feeling I've seen him before... and for some reason I'm forcibly reminded of sponge cake. I wonder why. Oh well. When in doubt, get the butterbeer out. (_Conjures a bottle of butterbeer out of nowhere and takes a swig with his pinky extended and sits on the couch_)

_GANDALF comes through the door. _

**GANDALF:** (_muttering_) DOOM! RING! HOBBIT! RING! MORE DOOM! DOOM DOOM DOOM!

**DUMBLEDORE:** I say, what's your name?

**GANDALF:** I don't remember. Let me check my staff! (_Reading with difficulty_) GIIIINNNDILLLLFF... wait... that's not right... Gindalf Gandilf Gandorf Forgnam...

**DUMBLEDORE:** coughgandalfcough

**GANDALF:** Oh, thank you sir. I'm not usually like this... it's just that I get very nervous around clean people!

**DUMBLEDORE:** ...that's quite all right, not-that-clean person!

**GANDALF:** (_looking at FRODO_) Is he dead?

**DUMBLEDORE:** No, he's not dead yet.

**GANDALF:** But he looks like he should be stone dead in a minute.

**DUMBLEDORE:** (_examining FRODO's hand_) Well, his life line says he should have been dead last Tuesday, but I might be wrong on that. Divination is such an obscure branch of magic. Never saw the point in taking it.

**FRODO:** (_coming to_) Oh my goodness!! Two old men in dresses!!

**GANDALF:** The guy at the store told me it was a man-dress!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh sure, just like it was a man-purse, too!

**GANDALF:** Is it just me, or do we shop at the same store?

**DUMBLEDORE:** It's just you.

**GANDALF:** Well, enough chit-chat... I've a message. Frodo, um you must take the ring to Mordor and save the world.

**SAM:** (_jumping in the window_) Did someone say something about a ring?

**GANDALF:** Fool of a—uh... Gamgee! Were you eavesdropping?

**SAM:** I wasn't droppin' no eaves sir, honest... just some dung bombs!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** I thought I smelled something, but I figured it was just that other guy in a dress.

**GANDALF:** Man-dress!!!

**SAM:** Anyways... this ring... can I give it to Ffff--Rosy?

**FRODO:** (shuffling away from Sam) No, Gandalf said it's dangerous.

**SAM:** Why's it dangerous?

**GANDALF:** I forget why, it must be the medication; it does funny things to my head. CHEESE!

**BILBO:** (_V.O._) Hey! That's my line!

**GANDALF:** Oh, sorry old man!

**BILBO:** I'm only fifty!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** ??

**FRODO:** It's that nuclear warhead again.

**SAM:** (_suddenly looking off camera_) Golly! The Nazgul traded in their horses for pink ponies!

**DUMBLEDORE:** What are Nazgul?

_SAM holds up a badly drawn picture._

**DUMBLEDORE:** IT'S A DEMENTOR! Oh no, wait... that's Cornelius Fudge, before his morning coffee!!! RUN AWAY!!

**FRODO:** UM... speaking of coffee, who wants some sponge cake??

**GANDALF:** Forget about sponge cake, there are pink ponies coming our way!

**SAM:** And that's not all! They're... SPARKLY!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

_All run away._


	5. Scene 5

Scene 5

_The gang is by a road and hiding near a tree. Merry and Pippin have already joined them. _

**FRODO:** (_Suspiciously_) Very lucky we met you two in this conveniently placed cabbage patch just now, isn't it Sam?

**SAM:** (_with his mouth full_) Yeah, sure.

**GANDALF:** Isn't a cabbage patch a kind of dolly?

**PIPPIN:** Nooooo...yehhhh...nooooo

**MERRY:** Anyway, where are you guys headed?

**BILBO:** (_V.O._) Cheese!!

**GANDALF:** For once, Bilbo's right... kinda...

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh, are we going to Cheddar??

**FRODO:** Swiss?

**SAM:** That's not even a place...

**PIPPIN:** It comes in pints?

**GANDALF:** Um... We're going to _Bree_...

**ALL:** Ohhhhhhh...

**PIPPIN:** What?


	6. Scene 6

Scene 6

_In Bree. _

**BARTENDER:** Who are you, eh?

**FRODO:** My name is Donald Trump!! And my apprentice is on THURSDAYS!!! Don't watch Martha's!!

**BILBO:** (_V.O._) I heard that!!

**FRODO:** Shut up fool!!

**BILBO:** I'm not an old man!!

**FRODO:** I never said you were!!

**BILBO:** I don't care! I'm only fifty!!

**MERRY:** Let's order some drinks, Frooo-----ooonald!

**FRODO:** We'll have a room, four pints, eight hotdogs, some chili cheese fries, and a bowl of Fettuccini Alfredo. Oh, and can we have chicken with that?

**PIPPIN:** It comes in pints??

**BARTENDER:** What, the hotdogs, fries, rooms, or Alfredo?

**PIPPIN:** I forget. What was the question again?

**BARTENDER:** Um, never mind. (_BARTENDER hands them some mugs._)

Um, sorry, we're out of hotdog buns, fries, condiments, and fettuccini. You can have some Alfredo sauce on hotdogs though.

**BILBO:** What about cheese?

**FRODO:** Just forget it.

_We see Merry and Pippin watching the singers in the corner._

**PIPPIN:** Look, live music!

**MERRY:** You idiot, that's the radio!

**PIPPIN:** _(groaning)_ Can we change the channel? The news is coming on.

**MERRY:** Sorry, only one channel this time of year, Christmas music.

**PIPPIN:** It's not even Christmas yet!

**MERRY:** Shut up! I want to listen to the news!

**ANNOUNCER #1:** That long set of music was brought to you by—

**ANNOUNCER #2:** Dirt. It's everywhere. Get used to it.

**MIKE:** You're listening to 379.1 BREE FM. It's time for Traffic and weather together on the 8's. I'm Mike Delving, here with Tom Bombadil with the weather. Tom?

**TOM:** Well, Mike, there's going to be some scattered showers all through tonight and most of tomorrow, with the clouds clearing up sometime in the evening. Blustery on Wednesday, with the winds of change blowing in dark clouds from the east. All through the week, temperatures are going to be in the seventies, dropping slightly in the evenings. Back to you, Mike.

**MIKE:** Thanks, Tom. Well, the outerloop is muzzle to cart as far as the eye can see due to an accident on route 2. The accident occurred when a speeding horse crashed into a deer. They are currently locked in combat and are blocking the entire road, but animal control is expected to show up at any moment. Also, all the roads going into Mordor have been closed until further notice due to excessive evil and orc blockage.

**FRODO:** Oh snap.

**SAM:** Frodo, that fellow over there has done nothing but stare at you since we've arrived. I'm going to go give him what's coming to him.

**FRODO:** ??

**SAM:** NOTHING!!!

**BILBO:** Let's throw cheese at him!!

**FRODO:** Just kill me now.

_Skip back to MERRY and PIPPIN_

**MIKE:** In other news, local teens have been fined for being in the possession of butterbeer on school grounds. Butterbeer is an illegal and dangerous substance and any findings of it in any of the four farthings of the shire will result in serious consequences.

**DUMBLEDORE:** I say, do you have any butterbeer?

**PIPPIN:** How could you?

**FRODO:** What in Arda is butterbeer?

**DUMBLEDORE:** It's this delightful stuff that warms you from the tip of your toes to the top of your brain.

**GANDALF:** What brain?

**FRODO:** Nope don't have it.

**GANDALF:** What, the brain or the butterbeer?

**DUMBLEDORE:** I'll just Apparate you back, and you can fetch some for me!!

**FRODO:** What?? (_Disappears_)

**ARAGORN:** ??

**FRODO:** (_comes back with a bottle of butterbeer looking slightly electrocuted_)... Um, what just happened?

**DUMBLEDORE:** (_taking the bottle_) Thank you very much. (_Drinks the whole thing in one swig and burps loudly_).

**ARAGORN:** (_Seizes FRODO by the arm_) I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.

**FRODO:** But, but, but…

**ARAGORN:** Are you frightened?

_Merry and Pippin are watching a program on the radio. We never see it, but we hear it. _

**MARY:** John!

**JOHN:** Mary!

**MARY:** John!

**JOHN:** Mary!

**MARY:** Kiss me you fool!

**JOHN:** Never!

**MARY:** But John...

**JOHN:** I never loved you!

**MARY:** John...

**JOHN:** Do you remember... Shirley?

**MARY:** No... No... (starts crying)

_During this whole time, Pippin is getting progressively more emotional, eventually sobbing on Merry's shoulder._

**PIPPIN:** What are you doing, John?

**MARY:** What are you doing, John?

**PIPPIN:** Can't you see she loves you?

**MARY:** Can't you see I love you?

**PIPPIN:** No, John, don't!!

**MARY:** No! John! DON'T!

_We hear a few rounds from a machine gun. PIPPIN loses it._

**PIPPIN:** NOOOOOO!!! John, how could you?

_We come back to FRODO, who is lying on a futon, and ARAGORN, who is sitting on a chair, taking notes avidly and peering over his spectacles._

**FRODO:** Well, just earlier I was running down the streets of New York being chased by Barney with a chainsaw, at least I think I was, I don't know what New York is, or Barney, or a chainsaw for that matter, but it was all so painfully real. I've got scars right—well no actually, but I vaguely remember Merry on the sidelines yelling, "Slow down Frodo you're about to run into a uranium spill!" and the next thing I knew I was all short and hairy…

**DUMBLEDORE:** HA! HAIRY… HARRY!! HAHAHA! Do you know, I think it actually gets funnier when I repeat it maniacally!! HAIRY HARRY HAIRY!

**ARAGORN:** I was going to say something dark and gloomy, but the sight of that clean man made me forget! Who am I again?

**SAM:** We never even knew who you were in the first place!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** I do!! I've read the book!!

**PIPPIN:** There's a book? What's a book?

**SAM:** Well, who is he then?

**DUMBLEDORE:** His name is… Spider!!

**ARAGORN:** It's Strider, you idiot!

**DUMBLEDORE:** That's what I said!!

**ARAGORN:** No you didn't!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Yes I did!

**ARAGORN:** Well I say you didn't! And you can't argue with me; I'm the king of this dump!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** This must be a very dirty place.

**BARTENDER:** AHH!! Something... pink... and sparkly… coming this way… NOOO! RUN AWAY YOU FOOLS!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh yes, it's Dolores, escaped from St. Mungo's!! How interesting. (_Looks around bemusedly_) I've got a long and complicated answer for this too!! (_Takes a deep breath_)

_FRODO grabs DUMBLEDORE and runs._

**FRODO:** Come on old man!!

**BILBO:** I'm only 50!!

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: This will get better. We promise._


	7. Scene 7

Scene 7

_Weathertop. Night._

**ARAGORN:** This was once the great watch-tower of Ammon-Sul.

**PIPPIN:** (_drool of stupidity_) Tomorrow I shall try to think about socks with blue stripes. Yellow stripes are not as blue.

**ARAGORN:** Never mind.

**FRODO:** But Aragorn, it's a big conspicuous rock that can be seen for miles around. How are we going to find a hiding place from the Nazgul there?

**ARAGORN:** Shut up fool, it's in the script.

**SAM:** Well, if this is in the script, let's, let's…

**PIPPIN:** KILL THE SCREENWRITERS!!

**MERRY:** CHARGE!!!!

**PRODUCER:** (V.O) No, no, don't kill us… kill Donald Trump!!

_All charge at FRODO._

**FRODO:** NOOO!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Alas, nine sickles and a dung bomb. Today is my lucky day!!

**ALL:**??

**DUMBLEDORE:** At least I'm not wearing a man-dress!!

**GANDALF:** HEY!

**FRODO:** Don't look now, but all the noise has attracted something…. It looks pink… and sparkly… it's… John Kerry in a dress!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**ARAGORN:** You idiot, that's the Nazgul!! And who the heck is John Kerry???

**MERRY:** No one of importance. And anyway, they're practically the same thing.

**FRODO: **(_Intervening clears throat_) Shall we run for our lives?

**SAM:** Oh yes let's.

_All run away, screaming. _


	8. Scene 8

Scene 8

_The soon-to-be-fellowship is in Rivendell. Scene fades in from black. Close up on FRODO._

**GANDALF:** There you are Frodo! Long time no see. But wait, weren't you supposed to get stabbed in the last scene?

**FRODO:** No, the producers were too cheap to buy a retractable kniii… where are my pants?

**GANDALF:** Nowhere. You left your pants in Bree, remember?

**FRODO:** Are you telling me that I've been running around without pants for almost three scenes??

**GANDALF:** Yes.

**FRODO:** Okkkkaaaaay.

**ELF WITH COWBELL:** (_begins ringing cowbell and shouting loudly with a British accent_) Everyone who's coming to the secret meeting to discuss the end of the world, report to the big open air space where everyone can hear you!! Everyone who's coming to the secret meeting to discuss the end of the world, report to the big open air space where everyone can hear you!!

**GANDALF:** How markedly inconspicuous.

_All go to the Council of Elrond._


	9. Scene 9

Scene 9

_We see everyone sitting in a circle_

**ELROND:** We are gathered here over the body of... (_Pauses, clears throat sheepishly_) Um, I mean...hear ye, hear ye! Doom is at hand! We must burn the one called Martha Stew... (_Everyone looks up from various states of consciousness with startled looks on their faces._) I mean, _(cough)_ discuss calmly and rationally what to do about this evil ring. Doom.

_FRODO walks up and puts the Ring on the table. Spectators murmur in wonder. _

**ELROND:** We must throw it in the fires of Mt. Doom. One of you must do this. Doom.

_All point at FRODO._

**FRODO:** (_Unaware that everyone is pointing at him_) Not me.

**ELROND:** Thanks for volunteering, Frodo!! Doom.

**FRODO:** YESS! I mean... what? Oh well, as long as Sam doesn't...

**SAM:** (_Coming out from bushes_) Oh! I'm coming too! I must protect Mr. Frodo! I will carry him up mountains and offer myself up as food if the need arises!!

**FRODO:** Um... well, okay... at least Merry and Pippin aren't...

**PIPPIN:** And me!

**MERRY:** I better make sure Pippin doesn't hurt himself...again.

**FRODO:** ?#$&!$

**ELROND:** All right. Anyone else? Doom.

_Aragorn stands up._

**ARAGORN:** Oh all right. But only because it's in the script. I think we should just burn the script. _(starts muttering incoherently)_

**ELROND:** Shut up and get in line. Doom.

_GANDALF, DUMBLEDORE, and GIMLI do the same. LEGOLAS stands up with an air of superiority. _

**LEGOLAS:** I will defend the hygienically challenged midgets and their jewelry with my life.

**GIMLI:** I'm not a midget.

**LEGOLAS:** I wasn't talking to you...midget.

**GIMLI:** No one tosses a dwarf!

**LEGOLAS:** ??


	10. Scene 10

Scene 10

_Traveling song_

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Just so you know, the tune to this song is something from either Saturday Night Live or Who's Line is it Anyway, I don't remember which, we don't watch either, our friend Inafets came up with the new tune. _

**ALL:** Traveling hmm hmm hmmm  
Traveling hmm hmm hmmm  
We are travel, travel, travel, travel, traveling.

**GIMLI:** Unlike you, I am a dwarf  
And no one tosses me!

**LEGOLAS:** I am a pretty elf-lad,  
Marvel at my perfect hair!

**PIPPIN:** I like to annoy the fellowship  
And complain about my feet!

**FRODO:** _(an octave higher)_ I like to mope and be a pain.  
Everyone's after me.

**SAM:** I like looking at Mr. Froooooo—

**FRODO:** Ahem.

**SAM:** Rosy!

**FRODO:** That was a side of him I never want to see again.

Anyways. Shall we continue?

**GANDALF:** _(an octave higher still)_  
I like to be the voice of doom.  
I like to rhyme, unlike the...tomb…gloom…oh, never mind. This song is  
getting silly, don't you think?

**MERRY:** Shut up, old man its my turn! I like---

**BILBO:** I'm only fifty!

**DUMBLEDORE:** I'm not really in this story at all  
The screenwriters are just dumb plagiarists  
**  
GANDALF:** No, no, no, that's too many syllables! And nothing rhymes with  
plagiarists!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Man-dress!!

**GANDALF:** CLEAN!! CLEAN!!!!!  
**  
ARAGORN:** Oh, Eru Iluvatàr.

**REST OF FELLOWSHIP:** Traveling hmm hmm hmmm  
Traveling hmm hmm hmmm  
We are travel, travel, travel, travel, traveling.

**ALL:** THE END!!

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, we wrote this ourselves. Please hold your applause. We'll be here all week. _


	11. Scene 11

Scene 11

_On Caradhras._

**GANDALF:** STUPID MAP!! It's got a hole in it!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Where should we go?

**GANDALF:** _(slowly and deliberately) _ I DON'T KNOW!! THE STUPID MAP'S GOT A HOLE IN IT!! _(throws the map to the ground and starts beating the crap out of it with his staff)_

**ARAGORN:** _(Watches Gandalf for a moment with an odd look on his face, then looks up)_ Let the ring bearer decide!

**FRODO:** Well, I was going to decide to go through the Mines of Moria, but the cheap producers gave me this twenty dollar, I mean, it caved in. And then there was a flood. And then it burnt down, I mean it burned in, I mean, well anyway, it burned. _Then_ a herd of rabid cow-type mammaloids stampeded in and died from the smell of burnt dwarf. And then, a swarm of flesh-eating locusts came and feasted—FEASTED I TELL YOU!—on their rancid corpses.

**SAM:** Locusts, eh?

**FRODO:** Yes, and they're still alive, see. And that's why we can't go through the Mines of Moria. And don't mind the fresh, crisp, oh-so-green twenty dollar bill that just fell out of my pocket. If you want to bring it up with the producers, though, you might want to bring your torches, pitchforks, and chainsaws with you.

**GIMLI:** Works for us!!

**PIPPIN:** PITCHFORKS!!! What's a pitchfork?


	12. Scene 12

Scene 12

_At the bridge of Khazad-dum_

**GANDALF:** How did we get here?

**FRODO:** _(pauses guiltily for a moment) _It must be the magic of movie making?

**PRODUCER:** (V.0.) Quiet, fool! It's all real!! ALL OF IT!! And don't try to suggest otherwise. Do you want me to take back that twenty dollar bill?

**FRODO:** NO!!! NOT THE TWENTY DOLLAR BILL! HEY GUYS!! IT'S ALL REAL!! IT'S ALL REAL!! _(laughs maniacally)_

**SAM:** Are you feeling all right, Mr. Frodo? Should I get the thermometer?

**FRODO:** Which one?

**SAM:** The _other_ one.

**FRODO:** You'd like, that wouldn't you? My, but you're a shrewd little man. Anyways... We're here, so let's go over the bridge!!

**ARAGORN:** Wait a minute, where did that clean man go?

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(appearing out of nowhere)_ I'm here! I just had to Apparate back to Hogwarts and get some more butterbeer!

**ARAGORN:** Why didn't you just stay there??

**DUMBLEDORE:** It's so much more exciting here! All I hear back home is Professor Dumbledore do this, Professor Dumbledore do that, come defeat dark wizards for us, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's nice to have people NOT need me for a change.

**GANDALF:** You're right. We definitely don't need you.

**FRODO:** Well, who's going to go first? Not me, anyway.

_ALL point at FRODO._

**GANDALF:** Thanks for volunteering, Frodo!

**FRODO:** Why me? Why not that girly man over there with the blonde hair?

**LEGOlAS:** You're pushing it, midget-man. Just because I use deodorant every once and a...

**GIMLI:** No one tosses a dwarf!

**LEGOLAS:** _(Exasperated sigh)_

**ARAGORN:** Can we just go! There's a Balrog coming our way.

**FRODO:** _(nervously steps onto the bridge)_ Are you sure this is safe?

**GANDALF: **Of course not. That's why you're going first.

**SAM:** No! Sacrifice me instead!

**FRODO:** OK!

**SAM:** On second thought, who will carry you up the mountain in the last scene if I fall?

**FRODO:** You know what, I'll just go. You know why? If I go first, there's more of a chance that the bridge will weaken while YOU'RE on it and as soon as the clean man gets on you'll all fall to your deaths! And then I'll be free! FREE!! _(laughs maniacally and runs across the bridge)_

_The fellowship follows, one at a time. Sam, glancing nervously around muttering "Do it for Mr. Frodo... do it for Mr. Frodo...", Gimli "No one tosses a dwarf!!" Legolas, rolling his eyes, Aragorn, striding gallantly, and we briefly see Boromir dashing the bridge. GANDALF and DUMBLEDORE are still on the other side. _

**GANDALF:** Hey, Arthur.

**DUMBLEDORE:** That's Albus.

**GANDALF:** Shut up. No one cares, Alfred.

**DUMBLEDORE:** ALBUS!!

**GANDALF:** Whatever. Now, Albert, you see, there's this giant fiery monster coming our way, and I need you to slay it for me.

**DUMBLEDORE:** What's in it for me?

**GANDALF:** Um... you get an... um.. I SLAYED A BALROG badge!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Does it have wings?

**GANDALF:** I DON'T KNOW!! Anyways.. it doesn't matter.

**DUMBLEDORE:** All right. Just curious.

**GANDALF:** Go get 'em, Alice!!

_Lifts up skirt and walks daintily across the bridge. _

_(To the others)_ Well, that's the last we'll see of him... no more stupid butterbeer... what is butterbeer anyways?

**SAM:** We may never know.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Back, you monster, back!! _(picks up slipper and throws it, Balrog chases after it)_

**GANDALF:** I did it! I defeated the Balrog!! _(Falls off bridge)_ FLY YOU FOOLS!!

**PIPPIN:** I can't fly!!

**SAM:** JUST RUN YOU IDIOT!!

**PIPPIN:** Oh. Okay. I can't run either!

**SAM:** Um... well... just skip merrily. Like a little girl!

**PIPPIN:** I can do that!! _(skips away)_

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(apparates and returns carrying a bottle of butterbeer)_ When in doubt, get the butterbeer out. Although... I'm not quite sure what I'm doubting. Maybe it's the fate of that dirty man! To the Dirty Man! May he rest in peace. May the place he is in be filled with ponies and flowers and little green men clad in plaid leotards and... other things of this nature. _(takes a swig)_


	13. Scene 13

Scene 13

_Lothlorien_

**ARAGORN:** Okay, everyone, pit stop!!

**PIPPIN:** I don't want to stop in a pit!

**ARAGORN:** It's a figure of speech, you idiot.

**PIPPIN: **Okay. You use big words. I totally don't know what "of" means.

**ARAGORN:** It means, "shut up, Pippin!"

**PIPPIN: **Oh... I never knew that! No wonder people yell at me for talking so much...

**FRODO:** What is this place?

**LEGOLAS:** It's Lothlorien, sacred home of the most ancient of elves.

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!

**GALADRIEL: **_(Appearing from nowhere)_

**DUMBLEDORE:** Are you the Lady Galadriel?

**GALADRIEL:** Shaddup. Yous is bringin' great evil to dis forest, comprende?

**DUMBLEDORE**: Is this the forbidden forest? _(Gasps)_ It all makes sense now... the forest, the refusal to say her name, the white sparkly dress... I know who you are!!! You're LORD VOLDEMORT!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYBODY!!!

**GALADRIEL: **Shut your mouth, before I shut it for you... permanently. Capisce?

**PIPPIN: **What's 'Capisce' mean?

**GALADRIEL:** Shaddup.

**SAM: **How are you talking without moving your mouth?

**GALADRIEL: **Maybe it's all just in your head... freak. (turning to the rest of the group) Yous can stay da night, but no longer. Do I make myself understood?

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(makes a really stupid face)_

**GALADRIEL:** Shaddup!

**DUMBLEDORE**: But I didn't say any—

**GALADRIEL:** Shaddup!!

**PIPPIN:** Do we get presents?

**GALADRIEL:** Shaddup!!

**PIPPIN:** _( in a small voice)_ Okay. _(Pause)_ Do you like saying Shaddup or something?

**GALADRIEL:** Shad—I mean... be quiet fool.

_The fellowship is bedded down for the night. Frodo tosses and turns and finally gets up for a drink of water. He walks into the bathroom, grabs a cup and is about to fill the cup when he notices the sink is filled with water._

**FRODO: **Ew... that's not sanitary.

_Galadriel walks in._

That looks clogged. You should use... Drano!

**GALADRIEL:** I put in the plug... freak.

**FRODO: **Never mind then. It's a lovely sink.

**GALADRIEL:** Tanks. But unless you wanna be wearing it, I suggest you looks into its mysterious deps.

**FRODO: **Who's going to make me?

**GALADRIEL: **Maybe my little friend can impress upon you how important it is that you looks into the sink... I mean, da basin of truth... or whatever. _(snaps fingers. We hear growling)_

**FRODO:** _(hastily)_ Oh, no, that's okay. I wouldn't want to inconvenience your little... friend.

**GALADRIEL: **Good move, toots.

**FRODO:**_ (bends over the basin) _I don't see anything.

**GALADRIEL:** Look harder…

Lion King_ music plays... THE EYE OF SAURON appears in the water.)_

**THE EYE OF SAURON: **Frodo…I am your father!!

**FRODO:** NOOOOOOOO!!!!! _(FRODO wrenches himself away from the basin)_

**GALADRIEL:** I know what it is dat you saw. Freak.

**FRODO:** What did I see then?

**GALADRIEL:** You know, you're awful cocky for a person in your position. I would watch it if I was yous, buddy.

**FRODO:** Okey Dokey then. I believe you.

**GALADRIEL:**Good. My little friend doesn't want to have to teach you a lesson.

**FRODO**: That's good. I never was a good student.

**GALADRIEL:** Maybe he can ma—

**FRODO:** No... that's okay. I'm sure he has lots of other lessons to teach elsewhere.

**GALADRIEL: **Now get back to bed before I change my mind.

**FRODO: **Change your mind about what?

**GALADRIEL: **That's for me to know and you to never find out.

**FRODO:** Suddenly, I'm very sleepy.

**GALADRIEL: **Glad you feel that way... freak.

_It's the next morning, and Sam, Frodo, and Gandalf are standing by the door, waiting to leave._

**GALADRIEL:** Say goodnight, Frodo of da Shire. _(They all look up, startled.)_ Uh, I mean, goodbye, all of yous. Now get outta here before I call my little friend.

_(Sammy appears)_

**FRODO:** That's your little friend?

_(Sammy growls)_

**FRODO:** I guess we'll be on our way then.

_(They all leave in a hurry.)_


	14. Scene 14

Scene 14

_The traveling song starts, but someone Gandalf cuts in_

**GANDALF:** No, no, no, not the traveling song again! Someone just get the narrator!

_(Pause)_

**SOMEONE:** _(whispering)_ Get the narrator!

**SOMEONE ELSE:** He's in the shower!

**SOMEONE:** I don't care!! Get him now!!

**SOMEONE ELSE:** Here he is. Be happy. Go for it Nary. And try to make it sound professional. Or at least _somewhat_ professional.

**NARRATOR:** _(shuffling sounds from behind the camera. NARRATOR pointedly clears throat) _From Lothlorien, our friends made their way to the great river of Rauros and the shores of Parth Galen. They camp for the night, but soon realize that Merry and Pippin had gone missing. The orcs had captured them! On his way to find them, Aragorn runs into Boromir, the somewhat not quite lost member of the fellowship. There. Can I go back to my shower now?


	15. Scene 15

Scene 15

_Death of Boromir_

**ARAGORN:** _(Running after MERRY and PIPPIN)_ Stupid halflings!! Always getting themselves into... _(looks over at BOROMIR)_ Oh. Hello.

**BOROMIR:** _(picking arrows out of his chest) _cheerfully Hello there!

**ARAGORN:** Do I know you? You look familiar... oh, I got it. Ranger school, right?

**BOROMIR:**...

**ARAGORN:** No... cooking class! At the Y!

**BOROMIR:** I'm in the fellowship.

**ARAGORN:** Oh. Have you been here the whole time?

**BOROMIR:** Yes.

**ARAGORN:** Are you sure?

**BOROMIR:** Yes.

**ARAGORN:** Since you're my fellow—uh—son of a king type figure... does this mean I have to kiss you?

**BOROMIR:** No.

**ARAGORN:** Well, then, now I will send you down the river and over the falls. With your sword in hand, and the weapons of your enemies at your feet.

**BOROMIR:** I'm not dead yet!

**ARAGORN:** What?

**BOROMIR:** I'm not dead!  
**ARAGORN:** Yes you are.

**BOROMIR:** I'm not!

**ARAGORN:** Well, you will be soon. You're very ill.

**BOROMIR:** I'm getting better!

**ARAGORN:** No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

**BOROMIR:** I don't want to go over the falls!

**ARAGORN:** Oh, don't be such a baby.

**BOROMIR:** I feel fine!

**ARAGORN:** Well, do us a favor and just die already.

**BOROMIR:** I can't! I think I'll go for a walk.

**ARAGORN:** You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, isn't there something

you can do?

**BOROMIR:** singing I feel happy... I feel happy.

**ARAGORN:** (hits BOROMIR on the head with the pommel of his sword) Ah. That's better. Now, what was I doing? Oh yes. MERRY!! PIPPIN!! GET BACK HERE YOU STUPID HALFLINGS! WHY MUST I BABYSIT YOU ALL THE TIME!! MAYBE I SHOULD SEND THE BOTH OF YOU TO... hmm... what's an obscure foreign country... I KNOW!! MAINE!! NO... ALASKA!! YOU BETTER GET YOUR PARKAS READY!! (runs out of scene) PARKA!


	16. Scene 16

Scene 16

_Helms Deep_

_Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Dumbledore stand on the bridge getting ready with grave looks on their faces_

**GIMLI:** How did we get here?

**LEGOLAS:** I have NO idea.

**DUMBLEDORE:** It must be the magic of movie making again. That was rather interesting.

(_Skip to Hogwarts._)

(_HARRY runs up to RON._)

**HARRY:** Ron, Dumbledore's gone missing!

**RON:** How long have you known this? More or less than two hours?

**HARRY:** Mo— le—I don't know I was too busy looking at Ginn---I mean I was choking! On chocolate!!

**RON:** Riiight.

**HARRY:** Anyways. This is a...hold on, McGonagall made me write it down… (_Reading off hand_)

**RON:** ??

**HARRY:** (_Reading again_) caaaaaaa—

(_Skip to Fangorn Forest. Merry and Pippin are sitting in lawn chairs with stupid smiles_)

**PIPPIN:** (_nudges Merry_) You know what would be cool?

**MERRY:** What?

**PIPPIN:** If there were a bunch of talking trees here to take care of us and feed us cookies and Tang and take us on long rides in…

**MERRY:** Shut up.

(_Skip to Helm's Deep. ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, and DUMBLEDORE are still somberly preparing for battle. Only the top of GIMLI'S helmet is visible._)

**DUMBLEDORE:** Wow! This is more exciting than the time that I almost got up the nerve to ask out Minerva! I think I'm going to wet myself!

(_The top of GIMLI's helmet can be seen shuffling away from DUMBLEDORE._)

(_Skip to Hogwarts._)

**HARRY:** --aaaaaaaaaattttaaaaaaaaaaa----

(_Skip to Fangorn Forest._)

**PIPPIN:** (softly) Poke.

(_Skip to Helm's Deep._)

**ARAGORN:** (_glancing disconcertedly at DUMBLEDORE, who is bouncing on the balls of his feet with a funny look on his face_)

(_Harry Potter_)

**HARRY:** ----truuhpppy.

_Pause._

**RON:** What?

(_Fangorn Forest_)

**MERRY:** Poke.

(_Battle of Helm's Deep_)

_DUMBLEDORE is still bouncing on the balls of his feet. Suddenly, he looks up and point to the distance._

**DUMBLEDORE:** OH NO!! IT'S A WHOLE HERD OF HORRIBLY MISFIGURED SNAPE CLONES!! RUN AWAY!!!

_Tries to run, but soldiers stop him. _

**SOMEONE WITH A JAMAICAN ACCENT:** Stop dat.

(_Harry Potter_)

**HARRY:** It's quite simple, Ron. It's a cat-ostrophy. Look! (_Shows RON his hand_)

**RON:** You mean catastrophe?

**HARRY:** Oh. Right. I knew that!!

_(Fangorn_ _Forest_)

**PIPPIN:** (_tries to poke MERRY_)

**MERRY:** (_swats PIPPIN's hand away_) Stop that. Right now. AND DON'T DO IT AGAIN! Or else I'll throw you in the Ent Wash!

**PIPPIN:** What's the Ent wash? Is it a pony? I want a pony, I want a—

(_Helm's Deep_)

_The three orcs menacingly approach the wall._

**DUMBLDEORE:** You know, you looked a lot taller back there.

**ORC #1:** Shut up.

**ORC #2:** (_throws a small random article. It bounces off his forehead._)

**DUMBLEDORE:** (_not changing his expression_) That was terribly amusing! Can you do it again?

_A hale of random objects comes raining down on his head._

**DUMBLEDORE:** I think it was even funnier the second time!

_A lone acorn hits him in the head._

(_Harry Potter_)

_Sitting in silence. _

**RON:** So, what are we going to do then?

**HARRY:** I don't know.

**RON: **Haven't you read the script?

**HARRY:** I can't read.   
**RON:** For once, I've run out of witty comments... and I can't get them from the script, because... because... I can't read either!!!

**HARRY:** (_pats RON reassuringly on the back as RON sobs into in shoulder_)

(_Fangorn Forest_)

**PIPPIN:** I want a pony I want I pony I want a pony I want a---

(_Helm's Deep_)

_LEGOLAS, GIMLI, and ARAGORN all draw their arrows and shoot the three orcs at the same time. The orcs keel over, dead. _

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** We sure showed them!!

**LEGOLAS:** (_slaps DUMBLEDORE on the face_)

**DUMBLEDORE:** Ha, ha, that hurt! It was amusing too, but not as much as the acorn!

(_Pause_)

**GANDALF:** The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.

**LEGOLAS:** Oh, shut up. No one listens to you, anyway.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Time to break out the butterbeer!

**ALL:** THE WHAT??

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh, never mind.

(_Skip to Fangorn Forest.)_

**PIPPIN:** _(pointing) _Oooooh, lookee, Merry, there's something shiny over there!

**MERRY:** What?

**PIPPIN:** (_getting up_) I want to touch it…

**MERRY:** Wait! Pippin! No!

(_PIPPIN walks off-camera. All of a sudden we hear a horrible cracking, and then a loud noise like water being loosed from a dam. Screams and the hissing of water meeting fire come from the distance. PIPPIN comes back looking distressed.)_

**MERRY:** _(in shock and horror) _What did you do?

**PIPPIN:** (_wailing) _My shiny rock went bye-bye!! (_MERRY hits himself in the forehead.)_

_(Skip to Hogwarts.)_

_(Hermione enters.)_

**HERMIONE:** Whatever are you two ninnies blubbering about?

**HARRY AND RON:** We can't read the script and we don't know what to do!!

**HERMIONE:** (_whips out a script)_ You two are such _men_, honestly…what scene is this?

**RON:** I don't know, I can't count, either.

**HERMIONE:** Oh, that's all right, I think I found it…here we are… (_A strange expression suddenly comes over her face and she flashes a wicked grin at the camera.) _All right. Now, Ron starts flirting with his shoes. Harry turns himself into a burrito wearing bunny ears and then into a hippo doing interpretive dance. Then he turns back and they both begin to make up an extremely embarrassing secret handshake involving disco. Then Ron tells everyone about the time he ran streaking around Hogwarts on a dare, and Harry begins to sing the soprano part to Exsultante, Jubilante. (_HERMIONE looks at them expectantly.)_

**RON:** (_looking at his shoes)_ Hey, there, you two foxy ladies! Where have you been all my life?

**HARRY:** But it doesn't say which color bunny ears! Augh! Too much decision, too much decision!

(_HERMIONE winks at the camera.)_

_(Skip to Helm's Deep.)_

**MERRY:** Hey guys!

**PIPPIN:** S'up, my dawgie dawg homie g's!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** ??

**ARAGORN:** Wait, how did you two get here? This fortress is impregnable!

**PIPPIN:** (_blinks.)_Not if you use the back door. We told the dwarf we had a delivery

**GIMLI:** Well, you can't expect me to go this long without ordering Chinese.

**ARAGORN:** (_hits himself in the head repeatedly.)_

**GANDALF:** PEREGRIN TOOK!! WHAT IS THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR POCKET?

_(PIPPIN's shirt is weighted down by something large, round, and heavy. He looks up at GANDALF innocently.)_

**PIPPIN:** An abnormally large potato?

**GANDALF:** Nice try. Hand it over, halfling.

**PIPPIN:** No! It's not for you! You can't handle the shiny!!

(GANDALF's eyes go wide, and the space goes bright. His voice is frightening as he speaks, and PIPPIN is struck with terror.)

**GANDALF:** PEREGRIN TOOK!! YOU ARE A MORON!! YOUR MIND IS SLOWER THAN A HERD OF TURTLES STAMPEDING THROUGH PEANUT BUTTER!! DO YOU THINK THAT I AM UNAWARE THAT YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF ONE OF THE GREAT SEEING STONES!! WHAT HAVE YOU TOLD SAURON? WHAT HAVE YOU SAID? ANSWER ME!!

**PIPPIN:** _(cowering in terror)_ I haven't told him anything, I promise!

**GANDALF:** ANYTHING??? ARE YOU SURE???

**PIPPIN:** Well, you know, to tell the truth, I don't really remember. I vaguely recall saying something about a magic ring and the end of the world, and a tea party and that donut I ate last week, and oh yes, I told him about the identities of everyone in the fellowship, where we are headed, our estimated time of arrival, and the name, address, and number of our travel agent... nothing much, really.

**GANDALF:** That's it! You and I are going on a vacation!!

**PIPPIN:** NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! _(Pause.) _What?

_(Skip to Hogwarts.)_

**RON:** And you should have seen the look on Snape's face when I turned up for detention...

**HARRY:** Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia…

**HERMIONE:** Look, guys, gullible is written on the ceiling!

**HARRY AND RON:** _(Looking up) _Where?


	17. Scene 17

Scene 17

_(Shot of a blank wall. Suddenly we see a cardboard sign come up into view on which is written 'Intermission'. After a moment, the sign is flipped around. On the back of the sign is written, 'For the entertainment of those not in need of refreshment or relievement, Billig Gibilidet Productions presents...' The ballad of bilbo baggins") To watch it, go here: _


	18. Scene 18

Scene 18

_In a car on the highway._

**PIPPIN:** Are we there yet?

**GANDALF:** No.

**PIPPIN:** Are we there yet?

**GANDALF:** No.

**PIPPIN:** Are we there yet?

**GANDALF:** NO!! WE ARE NOT THERE YET!! PLEASE, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!!

(_PIPPIN begins to cry. GANDALF sighs, annoyed.)_

**GANDALF:** If I buy you some candy, will you just shut up!!

**PIPPIN:** (_stops crying immediately)_ Candy!! Yay for candy! Wheeeee!

**GANDALF:** Why me…OH THANK THE VALAR!! Pippin, we're there!

**PIPPIN:** _(sniffs)_ Really?

**GANDALF:** Yes, really. Look out the window and you can see the White City.

**PIPPIN:** What White City?

**GANDALF:** Minas Tirith, of course. It's where the Steward of Gondor lives. Ah, here's the parking lot! (_GANDALF parks and he and PIPPIN walk towards Minas Tirith.)_

**PIPPIN: **It looked a lot bigger from back there.

**GANDALF:** It's just a model.

**PIPPIN:** Oh. Well that explains a lot!

**GANDALF:** Now, Pippin, remember, Lord Denethor is an fat, prejudiced old man who has a sadistic obsession with a breeding an over-developed inferiority complex in his younger son. Don't tell him about Aragorn, or the Ring, or Frodo, or Boromir, for that matter.

**PIPPIN:** Who's Boromir?

**GANDALF:** It doesn't matter. In fact, Peregrin Took, it would be better if you did not speak at all. _(GANDALF and PIPPIN look at one another for a moment, and burst in to laughter, tears rolling down their faces.)_

**PIPPIN:** Ha ha, me not talk!! Ha ha ha!! You're a real joker!!

**GANDALF:** Ha ha ha, got that right, ha ha ha!!


	19. Scene 19

Scene 19

_In a bedroom overlooking the city._

**GANDALF:** You just _had_ to talk, didn't you?

**PIPPIN:** I didn't know I was signing up for soldier duty! I thought it was muffin duty!

**GANDALF:** Just. Kill. Me. Now.

**PIPPIN:**So, this Denny guy…he wants me to…fight?

**GANDALF:** Yep.

**PIPPIN: **But I can't fight!

**GANDALF:** You should have thought of that before you talked, then.

**PIPPIN:** Grrr.

**GANDALF: **Sauron is gathering his forces in the East. It won't be too long now.

**PIPPIN:** Gandalf?

**GANDALF:** Yes?

**PIPPIN:** I want my mommy.

**GANDALF:** (takes PIPPIN in his arms and hugs him) I know. So do I, Pippin. So do I. Now go back to bed. You'll need your rest before the end. _(PIPPIN moves towards the bed, but trips, knocking over the lantern on the window. It falls. You hear a clunk and the sound of fire coming from below.)_ PEREGRIN TOOK!!!


	20. Scene 20

Scene 20

_In Edoras. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Dumbledore are celebrating their victory. _

**DUMBLEDORE: **_(explaining patiently to GIMLI)_ It's called butterbeer.

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!

**LEGOLAS:** _(to ARAGORN)_ How did we get here?

**ARAGORN: **How should I know? The beer's good, at any rate.

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(exasperatedly)_ It's better than beer, it's butterbeer! _(ARAGORN pushes his tankard away immediately.)_

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!

**LEGOLAS:** I think the short one is trying to say something!

**GIMLI:** _(pointing out the window)_ NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!

**ARAGORN:** Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?

**LEGOLAS:** I see…fire! In the distance!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Yay! Fire! _(ARAGORN and LEGOLAS stare at him, but say nothing.)_

**ARAGORN:** What do you think it is?

**LEGOLAS:** My stupidity senses are tingling…one of the hobbits must be in trouble!

**ARAGORN:** Where are they?

**LEGOLAS:** Minas Tirith!

**ARAGORN:** Company! We ride for Minas Tirith!

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!

**DUMBLEDORE:** FIRE! YAY FOR FIRE!

**LEGOLAS:** But Aragorn, we don't have any horses!

**ARAGORN:** _(looks at a lone coconut on the table)_ I have a plan…


	21. Scene 21

Scene 21

_Some open plain between Edoras and Minas Tirith_

_(ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, DUMBLEDORE and GIMLI are riding _Monty Python and the Holy Grail _style towards Minas Tirith, with ARAGORN and LEGOLAS riding and DUMBLEDORE and GIMLI pulling coconut duty)_

**DUMBLEDORE:** Are you sure this is the way?

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!

**ARAGORN:** Of course this is the way, I'm the king of this dump, remember?

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh, sorry old man, I forgot.

**BILBO:** _(V.O.)_ I'm only fifty!

_(LEGOLAS rolls his eyes, picks up his bow and shoots an arrow off-camera. We hear a scream and a thud.)_

**ARAGORN:** Thank you very much.

**LEGOLAS:** You're very welcome.

_(Close up on ARAGORN)_

**ARAGORN:** _(talking to himself)_ Just wait, little hobbit…we'll find you.. no matter what it takes...

**GIMLI:** _(interrupting)_ NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!! _(ARAGORN sighs.)_


	22. Scene 22

Scene 22

_A bedroom in Minas Tirith. Gandalf and Pippin look a little scorched._

**GANDALF:** You just had to touch it, didn't you?

**PIPPIN:** That's all you do, isn't it? Nag and complain, just nag and complain!

**GANDALF:** Oh, shut up. We have more important things to worry about anyway. The orcs are here!

**PIPPIN:** Ooh! Orcs! Are those like peanuts?

**GANDALF:** …no.

**PIPPIN:** I like peanuts. I also like socks. And rainbows. And ponies. And….

**GANDALF:** OKAY, okay, I get it. Just stay here, and try to be helpful. Can you do that?

**PIPPIN: **And bunnies, and flowers, and canaries, and iguanas, and sloths, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and the green berries in the Old Forest that my sister ate one time and it gave her a huge rash right on her…

**GANDALF: **You know what, never mind. Just…try not to get killed, okay?

**PIPPIN: **And Merry, and Sam, and Frodo, even though Frodo stole my girlfriend in the third grade! The dirty rotten little…

**GANDALF:** …? Well, I'm off to fight orcs! Good luck to you!

**PIPPIN:** Ooh! Orcs! Are those like peanuts? _(GANDALF slaps himself on the head)_


	23. Scene 23

Scene 23

_ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, DUMBLEDORE and GIMLI are still riding. LEGOLAS calls halt._

**LEGOLAS:** Aragorn, it's not a fire, there's orcs out there!

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(to GIMLI)_ What are orcs?

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh. They sound terrible.

**LEGOLAS: **Aragorn, what do we do?

**ARAGORN:** _(thinks for a moment, then turns to GIMLI) _Do you still have those towels we stole in Rivendell?

**GIMLI:** _(catching on)_ NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!


	24. Scene 24

Scene 24

_Outside Minas Tirith. There are huge amounts of orcs standing around._

**ORC #1:** Dude…like, why are we here?

**ORC #2:** Because, dude, like, the big eye dude, like, said so, dude.

**HEAD ORC:** LIKE, STOP STANDING AROUND AND, LIKE, DO SOMETHING, DUDES!

**ORC #1: **Okay, man, just hang loose dude, I'm on it…_(pulls out a slingshot and starts firing on Minas Tirith)_

_(The part of Minas Tirith where Gandalf is standing)_

**GANDALF:** The script says that there's supposed to be soldiers here to help me…I don't see any…oh, well. I can take on these orcs all by myself! _(he is struck with the pebble from the slingshot and is knocked unconscious)_

_(The orc army)_

**ORCS:** Yay!

**HEAD ORC:** We have knocked out Gondor's defenses! The city is ours! _(They start to rush towards the city, when all of a sudden…standing between them and Minas Tirith are FOUR MYSTERIOUS FIGURES, three tall and one short, clothed in white.)_

**FOUR MYSTERIOUS FIGURES:** BOOGA BOOGA!

**ORCS:** AAH! GHOSTS! RUN AWAY! I WANT MY MOMMY! _(they scream and run away)_

_(The FOUR MYSTERIOUS FIGURES remove their towels and start to laugh. It is ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, DUMBLEDORE, and GIMLI!)_

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!

**ARAGORN:** Come, we must see to the wounded! _(they rush to Minas Tirith)_

**LEGOLAS:** Aragorn, come quickly!

_(ARAGORN and LEGOLAS come to where GANDALF is lying)_

**ARAGORN:** NO! Not Gandalf! Why not the clean man!?

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(from off-camera)_ Hey, they've got butterbeer in this joint!

_(ARAGORN breaks down into inconsolable tears.)_

**MERRY:** _(cheerfully)_ Hey guys! How's it going? _(ARAGORN and LEGOLAS turn around in shock)_

**LEGOLAS:** Wait…where were you?

**ARAGORN:** Yeah, you were there with us on Helm's Deep, and then…we were partying…and I don't remember seeing you there. _(suspiciously)_ What were you up to?

**MERRY:** _(with a look of offended innocence)_ _I _ was helping Eowyn kill the Witch-King of Agmar, thank you very much.

**ARAGORN: **Eowyn? Who's that?

**MERRY:** Princess of Rohan? Blonde and beautiful? She has a crush on you and you make angsty comments about her to yourself from time to time?

**ARAGORN:** Oh. Her. _(whispering to LEGOLAS)_ Who is that?

**GIMLI:** (shrugs)

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(moseys over looking slightly drunk)_ Hey, is that guy in the dress dead?

**GANDALF:** _(spluttering and coming to)_ MAN-DRESS!

**ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, AND MERRY:** GANDALF!!

**GIMLI:** NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!

**GANDALF:** Aragorn! You've saved Minas Tirith! Now you get to be King officially!

**ARAGORN:** YES!! But what about that crazy Steward guy? _(we hear fire, a scream, and a thud from off-camera.)_

**GANDALF:** _(smiling)_ Not a problem. Sounds like somebody got too close to Pippin.

**MERRY:** Pippin! Is he okay!

**PIPPIN:** _(arriving, looking even more scorched than before)_ Merry! Thank goodness! _(They hug. There is a collective 'aaw' from everyone else.)_

**ARAGORN:** Wait…where are the other two hobbits?

**LEGOLAS: **Yeah, weren't there four of them?

**ARAGORN:** We seem to be losing characters and plot lines right and left. I think the screenwriters have an organizational problem.

**PRODUCER:** _(V.O.)_ No, we don't! You do! If you'd follow the script, these things wouldn't happen! This is all your fault!

**ARAGORN:** WHAT! _WHAT!!_ DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!?!

**PRODUCER:** Bring it on, old man!!

**BILBO:** I'M ONLY FIFTY!!

_(Everyone stops what they're doing and looks around disconcertedly.)_

**ARAGORN:** _(to LEGOLAS)_ Didn't you…take care of him?

**PRODUCER: **_(interrupting) _He tried to. Unfortunately we're not allowed to let anyone die. Our production company wants us 'thinking of the children.'

**ARAGORN:** …right. Wait, so what happened to that other guy, what's-his-face?

**PRODUCER:** Don't worry, he's pretty dead. I mean, ON VACATION AND NOT DEAD!! NOT DEAD BECAUSE HE'S ON VACATION!! DOWN-RIVER!!

**ARAGORN:** Whatever. So, since you're so mightily intelligent, would you mind telling us exactly _where_ those other two halflings ended up?

**PRODUCER:** I don't need to. They're in the next scene, as you would know if you _read the script._

_(ARAGORN grumbles angrily under his breath)_


	25. Scene 25

Scene 25

_Mount Doom_

**SAM:** I'm so glad we finally got away from everybody else so we could be alone together, aren't you, Mr. Frodo?

**FRODO:** _(uncomfortably, shifting away from SAM)_ Erm..twenty-seven?

**SAM:** You're so cute when you're stupid!!

**FRODO:** _(panicking)_ Emc²!! A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!! Appetitus Rationi Pareat!! _//Let your desires be ruled by reason :) //_

**SAM:** Drat. Latin is smart.

**FRODO: **Augh...my brain...too much...pressure...Sam...I can't go on...take the ring...

**SAM:** I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you!!

**FRODO:** No!! You can carry it!! Trust me!! Just take it and go!!

**SAM:** Mr. Frodo, you're ruining my only good line.

**FRODO:** I don't care!! Just take the ring!!

**SAM:** Okay, fine. No need to get all snappy about it.

**FRODO:** _(rummaging around in his pocket_) Oh, Elbereth Gilthoniel.

**SAM:** What?

**FRODO:** The ring, Sam!!

**SAM:** What about it?

**FRODO:** I think...I think I left it in Rivendell. _(There is a pause, then FRODO breaks down in tears)_

**SAM:** Don't worry, Mr. Frodo, things will turn out all right, you'll see.

**FRODO:** _(sobbing)_ I spent the whole year with you...for nothing...

**SAM:** _(putting his arms around FRODO) _It's all right, we can go back for it...

**FRODO:** Sam, in my heart I've begun to understand_...(puts his head on SAM's shoulder)_...there is no going back.

**SAM:** _(on the verge of tears)_ Mr. Frodo...

**FRODO:** Sam, I'm glad...you're here...in the end...

**DUMBLEDORE:** _(appearing out of nowhere) _Hi, guys!!

_(Both SAM and FRODO scream and get up)_

**SAM:** Why are you here?

**DUMBLEDORE:** I apparated, of course.

**SAM:** No, I mean, _why_ are you here? Mr. Frodo and I were having a moment, if you don't mind.

**FRODO:** _(panicking...again)_ No!! No, we weren't!!

**SAM:** But...Mr. Frodo...I thought what we had was...special!!

**FRODO:** The only special thing about it was you.

_(SAM frowns, unsure if that was an insult or a compliment, and FRODO changes the subject)_

**FRODO:** Seriously, though, why are you here?

**DUMBLEDORE:** I saw you leave the ring on the stand thingy back in Rivendell. I was going to say something, but then I forgot.

**FRODO:** _(angrily)_ You knew...this whole time...and you didn't say anything!?

**DUMBLEDORE:** I forgot. You dirty people do not improve my already flagging memory.

**FRODO:** THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE!!

**DUMBLEDORE:** But I remembered a moment ago, so I apparated there and got it, and then apparated here with it.

**FRODO:** Wait a minute...if you could do that, why didn't you do it in the first place?

**DUMBLEDORE:** It's more amusing to just watch you not-clean people struggle.

**FRODO:** _(makes as if to hit DUMBLEDORE, but restrains himself at the last second) _Fine. Just give me the ring.

_(DUMBLEDORE shrugs and gives it to FRODO)_

**FRODO:** _(to himself)_ At last I can be rid of this ring so that Sam will stop eyeing it and winking at me like he tends to do when he's creeping me out_! (He gets to the edge of the cliff, and holds the ring out over the churning, molten rock below, then pauses.)_ You know, on second thought, this thing is made of gold. I could probably buy a house somewhere…far, far away from Sam! Yes! As far away as I can get! _(He turns around triumphantly.) _The Ring is mine!

_(The shot shakes as if there is an earthquake. Suddenly, a small gray figure runs up to FRODO, grabs the ring, and runs off the edge of the cliff)_

**GOLLUM:**_ (falling)_ MYYYYY PREEECIOOUUUUSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

**FRODO: **That was weird. Oh, well.

**SAM:** Come on, Mr. Frodo, let's get out of here before the volcano explodes!!

**FRODO:** And _why_ would the volcano explode?

**SAM:** Because...well, you know, I really have no idea whatsoever. But it's in the script.

**DUMBLEDORE:** I can side-apparate you two to Gondor. Spiderman is throwing a huge party. Apparently they crowned him King.

**FRODO:** Spiderman? Wait...are you talking about Aragorn?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Spiderman, Aragorn, same diff.

**FRODO:** Whatever.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Okay, let's go!


	26. Scene 26

Scene 26

_Minas Tirith_

**GANDALF:** And now, by the power vested in me, I pronounce you, officially, king of this dump.

**ARAGORN:** Yay!! I mean, _(coughs) _yes, of course.

**ARWEN:** _(entering) _Aragorn, darling!

**ARAGORN:** Um…who are you?

**ARWEN: **_(turning to GANDALF) _He's such a kidder.

**ARAGORN: **No, seriously, woman, who are you?

**ARWEN:** I'm Arwen Undomiel. You know…your fiancée? Elrond's daughter?

**ARAGORN:** Oh. Right. You. _(turning to LEGOLAS)_ Who is she?

**GANDALF:** Arwen Undomiel? You know…the hot elf chick from Rivendell?

**ARAGORN: **Oh! Right! Her! _(laughs nervously)_ Um, Arwen…hi. Great to see ya.

**ARWEN:** Oh, Arry, it's been so long. But I've never stopped thinking about you. You promised me that we'd get married as soon as you became King of Gondor.

**ARAGORN:** _(nervously)_ Did I now?

**ELROND:** _(entering with a forbidding look on his face)_ Yes. You did.

**ARAGORN:** Oh. Hi, um…Arwen's father who…doesn't like me very much….

**ELROND: **Elrond.

**ARAGORN:** Right. Hiya.

**ARWEN: **(snuggles up to Aragorn) I love you.

**ARAGORN:** I love you too. (laughs nervously)

**ELROND:** (Looks at ARAGORN reaaaaaaaaalllly closely)

**ARAGORN:** (whimpers)


	27. Scene 27

Scene 27

_Everyone gets on with their lives_

**TITLE: Where are they now??**

_**FRODO AND SAM**_

_Frodo is sitting at DUMBLEDORE's desk at Bag End._

**SAM:** (Reading over Frodo's shoulder) Whatcha doing, Mr. Frodo?

**FRODO:** Writing my will.

**SAM:** Ooooh! Do I get something?

**FRODO:** Yes, actually.

**SAM:** YAY!

**FRODO**: You get a juice box. Here it is. It is a symbol of my affection for you. Now go away.

**SAM**: YAY!!! (Takes a sip) But it's empty

**FRODO**: Exactly.

**SAM**: But wait! 100 Juice! (hugs Frodo) You DO care!

_**MERRY AND PIPPIN**_

_MERRY is reading on the couch in Bag End. _

**PIPPIN**: (Coming over Merry's shoulder) Guess where we're going, Merry!

**MERRY**: (Looks up at camera, looking harrassed)

**PIPPIN**: (Plops Mickey ears on Merry's head)

**MERRY**: (Grabs it off and pushes it back towards Pippin.) No. Go ask Sam.

**PIPPIN**: Fine. But you don't get to experience the magic of Disney.

**MERRY**: Whatever.

_(Shots of Sam and Pippin in Disney World)_

_**GANDALF AND DUMBLEDORE**_

_Gandalf and Dumbledore are trying to sell dresses to men._

**GANDALF**: I assure you, it's just a man-dress!

**CAMERON**: Umm…….

**DUMBLEDORE**: It matches your eyes!

**GANDALF**: It was made for you!

**CAMERON**: Ummmmm…….

**GANDALF**: Please?

**CAMERON**: No.

**DUMBLEDORE**: Drat.

_**GIMLI AND LEGOLAS**_

_Legolas and Gimli are teaching DUMBLEDORE at an Elvish school._

**LEGOLAS**: aen estar hadhafang I chatholhen, thand around dan I thang an I arwen.

_DUMBLEDORE repeats stupidly_

**GIMLI**: Et endorena sinome meta!

_SUBTITLE: No one tosses a dwarf!!!**  
**_

_**ARWEN AND ARAGORN**_

_ARAGORN is standing in the middle of the room, with Arwen hanging onto his shouulder and a little child running in a circle around them, sceaming. He has a look of bewilderment. _

**_HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE_**

_There is a whiteboard with all the letters written on it._

**RON: **There's so many!! It burns!!

**HARRY**: Presssure… building…. Brain… about to… explode…. daaaah. _(We hear a small pop and a hiss of steam) _Ahh….ah….ow….

_**BOROMIR**_

_BOROMIR runs across screen, but turns back to wave briefly at camera. Freeze image and fade into credits.**  
**_


End file.
